Why do I feel so empty, sad, guilty, confused and suicidal most of the time?

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    I constantly feel sad and empty most of the time. I was physically, emotionally verbally and psychologically abused as a child and witnessed violence towards my Mum and my younger brother. My younger sister and baby brother escaped with little physical or verbal abuse. I was also overweight as a child going on my first diet at 7 under my dr and then to weight watchers at 9 losing the 2 stone, but quickly put it back on as the emotional eating was not addressed and whilst dieting had ongoing bullying and teasing from my father who encouraged my siblings to join in. Whenever I asked for clothes he would say “Oh we will have to go to the tent shop to get anything to fit you!!!” I felt totally humiliated, embarrassed and lost as wherever I turned for help I was just laughed at. It continued at school, primary school and the second year in intermediate were the worst. I just felt bullied and then this continued into my working life where although I did my job well – I was a preschool teacher – I was continually harrassed and bullied about my weight to which I rebelled by eating for comfort. I continually felt guilty if I even sat down as this was perceived as me being lazy even though I was taught that you should be at a childs level when talking or interacting with them. This just made things worse to the point of becoming suicidal as the local crisis team came and told me my past should stay in the past and went away laughing, to which I wrote suicidal notes and took an overdose, in which I came to be under the local mental health team. I was already seeing a therapist from the compulsive gambling society due to my mums gambling problems and me trying to continually rescue her to my own detriment and loss of money, dignity and health insurance went off to live on my own. I was left with over $ 5000 in debts due to her and my brother not paying rent, phone or power. The psychologist I was appointed at my local mental health centre kept harrassing me as to why I needed to still see this therapist(who was absolutely professional in all areas), told me I was a coward for being suicidal and acting upon it,and telling me I was stupid for being upset at having to put my 16yr old cat down. I ended up in hospital and wrote a letter of complaint as I had had a mediation where she only spoke to my advocate informing her that I was a typical “Borderline” to which was news to me, so while I was in hospital I wrote a complaint to her manager to which she denied everything and I have been treated adversely ever since due to this. This happened in 2000/2001. I am now suffering from being too scared to even ask for help anymore as on 3rd Dec2009 I became suicidal and rang a crisis line for help where they sent out the police who then spoke to my local mental health team who informed them I had a “management plan” to which was news to me and the police left mocking me telling me they had nothing better to do so could stay and do a puzzle with me or play a game… I told them this particular person had treated me in this manner before and I had acted on what I said I would do, to which I did after they left. The consequence was being taken to the local ED where they must have treated me roughly as I woke up feeling disoriented, wasn’t seen by psych liason and on trying to get off the bed almost collapsed as my foot was totally numb, they just put a pressure bandage on and dumped me in ED waiting room where I had to find my own way home, pretty hard when I couldnt walk!!! My physiotherapist thinks I may have sciatica. As I had had a previous injury to my other foot my home help came to get me and commented that I had my shoes on the wrong feet. That shows how much they didn’t care about me. The next day I was in and out of consciousness all day and late at night became distressed as I couldn’t weightbear due to the numbness still in my foot so called an ambulance and was greeted by a nurse “Oh has she taken another OD!”(which I hadnt) I was left for over 6hrs and watched about 5-6 people come and leave with minor complaints before I was seen,told I had no ankle reflex or feeling under or on top of my foot but was then discharged to my GP. I saw my GP a few days later as my foot had gone cold still had no ankle reflex and had no pain sensation at all when the gp took tests. She rung the neuro reg and said I needed to be seen urgently but was told that they would see me by the end of the week – I wasn’t seen till the following week by a neurologist who has since sent me to orthotics to wer a foot brace due to a foot drop and am still waiting for the EMG(nerve conduction test).She told me I needed to go to the hospital but I burst into tears as when I had re-presented on 4th dec the charge nurse told me to get off the premises otherwise she would get security to remove me, the hospital shuttle came just in time which took me 5mins to get onto and I went up to the top hospital where the duty manager (whom i had rung the day be

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